Sassy Gay Friend
by HarmoniousPie
Summary: This is Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter series. She is about to marry Ronald Weasley...this fate could have been avoided if she had a sassy gay friend. HP/HG. Inspired by Sassy Gay Friend and Potter Puppet Pals.


This is inspired by YouTube's Sassy Gay Friend by The Second City Network and Potter Puppet Pals.

Disclaimer: I own nada.

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Scene: An outdoor wedding. A young woman with brown hair that has been coiled at the base of her neck is marrying a young man with ginger hair.

This is Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter series. She is about to marry Ronald Weasley...this fate could have been avoided if she had a sassy gay friend.

"Speak now or forever hold your peace." The minister said.

"DUMBLEDORE!"

Everyone at the wedding including the bride and groom whipped their heads around to look at the young blonde woman with blue eyes that had just shouted the name of the late Albus Dumbledore. She also seemed to be waving her hands wildly above her head. While still looking at her most people wrote it off as the usual oddity of Luna Lovegood.

"What are you doing? What, what, WHAT are you doing?" another, familiar voice sounded from the front of the wedding.

The entire congregation of people whipped their heads around again to look for the owner of said voice; they moved their heads so fast that the bride wondered how they didn't end up with whiplash. Standing there, in the flesh (so to speak), was the ghost of Albus Dumbledore who was somehow wearing garish lime green robes with a pointed, puce hat on his head with an orange scarf wrapped around the brim. His eyes were boring right into the bride, Hermione Granger.

"To what exactly are you referring, Professor?" she asked genuinely wondering why Dumbledore had come back from the beyond to interrupt her wedding.

"You're getting married!" he exclaimed gesturing at her and Ron.

The groom took a moment to look at his mother and motion his head towards Dumbledore. Molly Weasley shrugged and pointed at her lips, somehow Dumbledore had managed to silence her.

"To Ron, yes. Why does that seem to shock you, Professor?" she said hesitating, "…..I love him."

"Miss Granger, look at your life. Look at your choices. You've always chosen Harry over …the Weasley boy—" he started

"Ron! My name is Ron!" the Weasley boy in question interrupted.

"Nobody cares." Came a drawl from the back of the room. Sitting there right next to Luna was Draco Malfoy.

"And now you're choosing…the ginger idiot?" Dumbledore finished as if he hadn't been interrupted.

"Oi!" Ron exclaimed.

"Nobody cares…at all." Malfoy drawled again.

"But…Professor…Harry's my best friend…he doesn't love me like that." Hermione whispered.

"Then where is he? If he didn't love you he would be here. If he truly loved you do you think he could watch you marry someone else?" Dumbledore asked.

Hermione looked thoughtful for a moment.

"I never thought of it that way…But what if you're wrong?" she asked.

"I'm never wrong!" he proudly exclaimed.

Hermione looked at him skeptically.

"Professor, case in point….leaving Harry with the Dursleys." She responded after a moment.

"….. Point taken. But I'm not usually wrong." He amended

"Professor, in the six years we attended Hogwarts while you were alive how many times did Harry almost dies because of you even if it was indirectly your fault?"

Dumbledore's eyes shifted nervously in their sockets.

"Fine! Fine! I get it! I seemed to underestimate how much trouble Harry could get into." He again exclaimed.

Suddenly there was a sallow, hook-nosed, black-clad, and somehow still greasy looking ghost next to Dumbledore. Some people gasped, some people smiled, some looked scared, and a couple even wet their robes because it was Severus Snape, the Potions Master.

"Ahem." He said commanding the attention in the room, even though it was all on him anyways. "Mr. Potter could have found trouble in a padded room at St. Mungos."

"Don't you think you're a little biased Professor Snape? Despite having been in love with Lily Evans-Potter you never liked Harry. You're being horribly unfair!" Hermione told the ghost of her least favorite teacher.

"See, I told you: You love Harry." said Dumbledore. "If you didn't you'd be yelling at me for interrupting your wedding…ps…_this_ is the best your hair has ever looked! I can't believe you're wasting it on…the orange one."

"OI! I'm _right _here." Ron exclaimed glaring at Snape.

Draco once again spoke up.

"Nobody gives a crap."

Hermione took a moment to think about what Dumbledore had said. She'd always known she cared more for Harry than Ron but had never thought she'd had a chance with him so she had settled for Ron. She had been secretly thrilled when Harry had broken things off with Ginny but was unable to break Ron's heart. She knew he didn't want her to marry Ron, that's why he wasn't at the wedding. She'd just assumed that he thought Ron wasn't good enough for her…perhaps though Dumbledore was right…perhaps it _was _because he loved her and couldn't watch her tie herself forever to this horrible lout of a wizard that he wasn't there.

While Hermione was thinking a motorcycle pulled up in front of the Burrow.

"Do you honestly believe this shite?" Ron asked, finding his voice. "You're taking advice from a bloody crackpot old ghost who can't remember my name!"

"Point?" Draco whispered.

Hermione merely blinked at Ron.

"Hermione…Hermy…Herms…we love each other. We're getting—"

The use of her hated nicknames spurred Hermione into action.

"What did you just call me?" she yelled, interrupting him. "How many times have I told you not to call me Hermy or Herms? That's it…I'm out of here."

Hermione was halfway down the aisle before Ron found his voice, again.

"If you choose him you'll BOTH BE DEAD TO ME!" he shouted.

Hermione turned back to look at him. She could see Molly nodding her head vigorously. She looked up towards the sky pretending to think.

"Right then," she said, "It was nice knowing you then."

She rushed out to the front of The Burrow. At the sight in front of her she stopped short. Sitting there in a worn black leather jacket (that must've had cooling charms on it because just looking at Harry in it made Hermione feel warm) on top of what she immediately knew to be Sirius Black's old motorcycle was Harry Potter. A wide smile threatened to split her face in two. She looked down before running to him. She pulled her wand out and shortened her wedding dress to just below her knees before running to him.

"What are you doing here?" she asked climbing on behind him.

"A meddling old ghost told me I might be needed for a quick getaway." He said, turning to look at her. "Where to milady?"

"Take me home." She said softly.

No words were needed between the two after that. Harry had always known what she meant or what she wanted. The motorcycle roared to life under her and the two rode off into the horizon.

There was a satisfied smile on Dumbledore's face after Hermione walked out.

"Dumbledore, Dumbledore, oooh Dumbly, Dumbly, Dumbly, Dumblydore." He sang to the tune of 'Lollipop' before exclaiming: "NAKED TIME!" and ripping off his robes (yet somehow the hat magically stayed on his head).

The entirety of the backyard fled to the edge of the wards to Apparate except for Luna who calmly walked to the ghosts of Albus and Severus.

"So, how have you found the afterlife? she asked Snape.

"I've been—" he started.

"Severus, you're a stupid bitch." Dumbledore said turning to look at Luna and flipping the edge of the orange scarf more tightly around his hat. "He's a stupid bitch."


End file.
